MONKEYS HAUNT MY DREAMS

BOPPIN' BLASTS FROM BEANTOWN!

2009-06-15T19:55:00.000-07:00

Although I live in a city (Chapel Hill, NC.) known for it's music scene...it's been a relatively on again off again affair, having it's last real influential surge in the SUPERCHUNK led juggernaut era of the '90's. Don't get me wrong there is still a thriving music scene with some extremely talented bands too numerous to list..but like Athens, Ga. and Austin, TX...the sustained staying power is spotty. Trying to think of a city that consistently has managed to churn out band after band of historical significance excluding New York, Boston immediately springs to mind. In fact, three of my top 10 bands of all time: The Modern Lovers, The Pixies, and Mission Of Burma all were birthed in Beantown. So tonight I present four older bands from Boston's rich history that might have flown under your radar. Two personal favorites on the poppy psychedelic side and two favorites from the beloved new wave era. For a quick tip of the iceberg overview of Boston's musical output I refer you to the wikipedia entry. For an excellent overview of the late sixties era with links to other sites check out the splendid BOSTON SOUND page contained in the equally splendiferous PUNK BLOWFISHwebsite of Boston legend Paul Lovell.

First up is the mini pop masterpiece- "Basic Magnetism" by the highly influential Teddy and the Pandas. Released at the zenith of the "Bosstown Sound" in 1968 , "Basic Magnetism" is a catchy confection of the group at their best. All the members are still alive and active and played a reunion show in 2008. Check out their exhaustive OFFICIAL WEBSITE or SPECTROPOP's Teddy & the Pandas PAGE for the incredible history and continuing legacy of this great band.

The cuddly lads circa 1967. Squeeze'em HERE! Track Listing: 1. Childhood Friends
2. Kona, Idaho
3. Shine A Little Light
4. 68 Days 'Till September
5. Running From Love
6. Basic Magnetism
7. Crossing Man
8. At The Debutantes' Ball
9. Look Back In Love (Not In Anger)
10.Raspberry Salesman

Next is the '68 psyche pop LP by singer/songwriter Timothy Clover which namedrops the hippie gathering place of the time and announces itself as a "concept" album. Couldn't find much info but I take it as a one-shot featuring many Boston area musicians and the same production team behind Teddy & the Pandas. It's a pleasant folky sounding record with a pop/psyche production varnish. A perfect soundtrack for a stoned rainy afternoon. Snagged about two years ago from SIR PSYCH'S PSYCHEDELIC SHACK, a wondrous blog that is still going strong! Load it in your bong HERE.
Track Listing:
1.TIMOTHY CLOVER
2.TROLLEY CAR LINE
3.ONE DAY YOUR A RICH MAN
4.WHEN YOUR DREAMIN'
5.TEAR DROP MOBILE
6.A HARVARD SQUARE AFFAIR
7.HIS LIFE TO LIVE OVER
8.COTTON CANDY (CAN BE YOURS)
9.MY FRIEND JOHN
10.GREAT WORLD NEXT DOOR

The band Human Sexual Response has always been kinda a guilty pleasure for me. Only releasing two albums in their four years together, they rode in on the new wave and were quickly beached on the rocks of musical history. Though pegged as new wave, the majority of their songs betray a heavy art rock influence. Their first release "Fig. 14" in 1980 showcases a talent rife with quirks and struggling to get its sea legs. "In A Roman Mood", my favorite of the two, which quickly followed in 1981, is a more mature effort, though almost too slick in its production values. Definitely an acquired taste, their music can be at times a bit too precious and self-important. Portentous lyrics and intellectual posturing on songs like "Marone Offering", and mythological references in the busy "House of Atreus" darn near collapse under the weight. That being said "In a Roman Mood" offers many rewards for the patient listener. Dark and edgy, it succeeds ultimately with power over pretense. I first encountered them on late night television (see video below) singing their only "hit", "Land of the Glass Pinecones", a song which periodically has gotten stuck in my head many times for the last 25 years! After breaking up the various musicians went on to play with a who's who of talent including Frank Black, Kustomized, Bob Mould, and Tanya Donnelly. Read an interesting article on two surviving members of the band entitled "HOUSE PROUD: New Wave Musicians in an Old Age Home" published in the New York Times in 2006. "In A Roman Mood" Tracklisting:
A1 Andy Fell
A2 Marone Offering
A3 Pound
A4 Public Alley 909
A5 12345678910
B1 A Question Of Temperature
B2 Keep A Southern Exposure
B3 Blow Up
B4 House Of Atreus
B5 Land Of The Glass Pinecones
B6 Bodyguard
Get Sexed HERE

Lastly, a very obscure New Wave Boston band called Onyx. A new one on me, they released two singles and a cassette in 1982-83, then apparently faded into the day-glo mist. Unearthed by the excellent archivist over at FANTOD UNDER GLASSwho is just as perplexed as me at the lack of any information on these kids. A female vocalist doesn't sing so much as talks and whispers over solid electronic beats and pounding bass driven tunes - just right for an android hootenanny. Excellent.
Track Listing:

1. Call Of The Wild (45 Single)
2. SOS (45 Single)
3. Jet Set (45 Single)
4. Saturn 09 (45 Single)
5. SOS (Cassette)
6. Robot World (Cassette)
7. Jet Set (Cassette)
8. Planet x (Cassette)
Use your mechanical arms to grab it HERE.

PS: For an excellent book covering the rich history of the Boston music scene, I highly recommend THE SOUND OF OUR TOWN by Brett Milano.

IT'S JUST ANOTHER MANIC MONOTHEISTIC MONDAY!

2009-06-08T12:30:00.001-07:00

By now you must know my tolerance for krayzee kristians seemingly has no limits so...hangin' ten on the Jesus wave, tonight I present two mix CDs and a funny video on the JC tip. First courtesy of CRAZY CHRISTIAN CLIPS, I bring you the hilarious promo for the new album by Christian death metal band Plagues Of Xodus! God knows I hate laughing with 'em and not at 'em but I must admit that this is funny shite.

Next a little mix for you entitled RELEASE THE LIONS featuring some Jesus toasted chestnuts that belong in every home. I'm sure you jaded Satan-suckers have heard some of these a million times...but I thought it would be nice to have them in one place. Starring, among others, the creepilicious Lil Markie and the late massacre of mascara-Tammy Faye. My particular faves on here are "God Send Me An African Maid" and "Premature Ejaculation". Giggle in The Glory my little gremlins and snatch it HERE.

And finally for the particularly strong of stomach I bring you a compilation of songs from everyone's favorite gaya-hatas..the Westboro Baptist Church. Culled from their lovely and heart warming website these little ditties put the hate back in hate-mongering. I would almost believe these fuckers were some sick situationist or dadaist pranksters if it weren't so sadly and unashamedly unfunny and virulent. Enjoy the vitriol HERE. .....and please don't thank me....

THE END

A CACOPHONY OF CELEBRITY CROONIN'

2009-05-10T22:40:00.000-07:00

Why oh why do movie stars and other celebrities insist on punishing us with their vocal strainings from time to time? Is it the fault of their managers or publicists, or do they genuinely think they can sing?? Who knows? But as long as they keep doing it I'll keep cherishing it. By the way I love how most of these albums are usually entitled "so and so sings!" just so you'll know that's what the awful racket you're hearing is! Here I bring you three dour examples that will make you want to plunge icepicks into your eardrums. Lock up your dog and let the howling commence.....

First up we have Mother Goddamn herself, Bette Davis, with the ill-advised "MISS BETTE DAVIS" from 1976. Bette is not the worst of the lot, and in context of the movie WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE?, "I'm Writing A Letter To Daddy" is still one creep-out of a tune as warbled by Ms. D., but overall the album is just plain wrong. Most of it sounds like me trying to do karaoke after two packs of unfiltered Camels and ten shots of cheap whiskey. Also included are four remixes of the song "Baby Jane" by the group Lunchbox.
TRACK LISTING:
1 Overture/They're Either Too Young or Too Old
2 Life Is a Lonely Thing
3 Until It's Time for You to Go
4 Growing Older, Feeling Younger
5 It Can't Be Wrong
6 I've Written a Letter to Daddy
7 Loneliness
8 Mother of the Bride
9 Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte
10 As Margo Channing (Dialogue From the Car Scene)
11 I Wish You Love

Secondly we have the endurance test "GOLDIE" from actress Goldie Hawn. Someone who now resides in a special room of Hell thought it would be a good idea for the "sock it to me" vixen to record a Country?!? album in 1972. Backed by sloppy orchestral arrangements and guests like Porter and Dolly and Buck Owens, city gal Goldie peels wallpaper with her girlish soprano and even Mon Dieu! butchers the song "Butterfly" showing off her French skills. Truly a botched mission on all accounts.
TRACK LISTING:
1 My Blue Tears
2 Wynken, Blynken and Nood
3 Butterfly
4 Uncle Pen
5 House Song
6 I'll Be Your Baby Tonight
7 Carey
8 Cloudy Summer Afternoon
9 Ring Bell
10 I Wanna Roo You
11 Pasadena

Finally we have the rare bird, "I'LL SING FOR YOU" by Zebedy Colt released in 1970. Recorded with the London Philharmonic, this is a surprisingly GOOD record. Colt had a gentle, resounding voice and a relaxed style that lends itself well to these standards. The thing that makes this queer (no pun intended) is the man behind the record. Edward Earle Marsh aka Zebedy was a flamboyant homosexual and gay cabaret singer of some note. He also had some meaty roles on Broadway and composed film music including scores for classics like "THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH". Colt also happened to be an infamous porn actor, producer, director! This crazy dichotomy is just a hint of the fascinating character that was Zebedy Colt. Check out some of his notorious porn efforts for a real eye-opening experience. As an actor he often played seriously deranged characters who loved to humiliate the female depositories of his ahem, method. His directorial efforts were even more surreal starting with the disturbing "THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER" wherein a group of criminals have their way with the titular characters. Most notably it starred everyone's favorite suicidal satirist Spalding Gray! who doesn't hesitate to join in on the misogynistic XXX proceedings! Thus listening to Colt's dulcet tones on this record is kinda disturbing given his other endeavours.
TRACK LISTING:
1 The Man I Love
2 I'm In Love With A Wonderful Guy
3 Bill
4 A Sleepin' Bee
5 Michael*
6 Love For Sale
7 Bewitched
8 A New Year, A New Love*
9 Lush Life
10 The Day To Say Goodbye*
11 Somewhere

I hope you'll enjoy these pickled platters o punishing pulchritude! Grab Bette here. Sing along with Goldie here. And flame with Zebedy here.

SUNDAY NIGHT MEANS SCARED STRAIGHT!!

2009-05-10T15:16:00.000-07:00

For the unfortunate few of you trawlers that haven't seen the disturbing and hilarious PSA from 1970, "THE TRIP BACK", I bring it to you in all it's terrifying glory. Speaking at a New York high school, Florrie Fisher, a middle aged ex-druggie, rants and raves and generally harangues the trapped students with dire warnings of what fates will befall them once they do drugs. Chain smoking! while she tells them not to punish their young bodies, she comes off as a self-centered, self serving wrongheaded twit. With a raspy voice she refers to the "Negro" girls in the audience and answers questions with jaw-dropping responses. My favorite moment is when one poor girl dares to question her contention that marijuana leads to harder drugs to which old Florrie growls...that sure she knew people that never did other drugs after smoking weed..only because they didn't get a chance cuz they died in the electric chair for committing crimes of passion while on the reefer!!! This whole scare tactic sham is tempered further by the fact that one year after this speech Florrie was back to her old ways, getting arrested in Miami on drug charges and other things, then seemingly dropping off the face of the earth. Her legacy lives on in Strangers With Candy, however, as Amy Sedaris modeled her character,Jerri Blank, on Florrie. So without further ado, I bring you "THE TRIP BACK" to have for your very own. Grab a pack of smokes and get it here. You'll thank me in the morning.

HEY BABY HOWS ABOUT A NORWEGIAN SPACE AGE LOUNGE QUICKIE IN DREAMSVILLE?

2009-05-07T21:32:00.000-07:00

A fast one for you before beddie-bye! A rare little lounge ditty from 1957 courtesy of Norwegian vocal stylists- THE MONN KEYS! Oh so smooth and swinging the perfect platter to lull you into DREAMSVILLE. Enjoy and Good Night, Dreamboats! Float on over to here
TRACK LISTING:
A1 Dreamsville 2:50
A2 Like Young 2:55
A3 The Song is You 3:05
A4 Bye Bye Blackbird 1:51
A5 The Bad and the Beautiful 3:42
B1 Misty 2:34
B2 Soothe Me 3:06
B3 Too Close for Comfort 2:34
B4 Senor Blues 2:20
B5 Day Dream 3:42

A BLANK CZECH: A REVIEW OF I SERVED THE KING OF ENGLAND

2009-05-06T23:17:00.000-07:00

Taking a break from the usual monkeyshines around here, I hope to give you some reviews of some of my favorite films that may have escaped your attention. First up is I SERVED THE KING OF ENGLAND, a wonderful 2006 Czech film recently out on DVD. The review was written by some disgruntled schmuck recently laid off as a freelancer for a major city newspaper...hmmm..I wonder who? Tell me I can't republish my own writing, will ya? Well, take this you money grubbing "make it in a more USA Today like style" corporate bitches!!!

"I Served The King Of England" is at once a semi-fantastical encapsulation of Czech history and a Chaplinesque fable of a hapless anti-hero swept along by fate and selfishly adapting to the whims of the powerful and wealthy.

Directed and written by Jiri' Menzel ("Closely Watched Trains", "My Sweet Little Village"), who will soon approach his fiftieth year as a film maker, and based on a book by famous Czech novelist Bohumil Hrabal, "I Served The King Of England" is an award winning minor masterpiece that harkens back to some of the true foreign classics of Seventies European and East-European cinema. Reminiscent of Wertmuller's Seven Beauties, it's at turns comedic and bittersweet in its portrayal of war, romance, and a life about survival.

The film begins with an older Jan Dite (Oldrich Kaiser) being released from a fifteen year stint in prison. As he settles in an abandoned German pub in the wilderness of the Czech Republic, Jan Dite begins to narrate his life and the film becomes a series of riveting flashbacks.

Young Jan (a deftly funny Ivan Barnev) is obsessed with being a millionaire. Starting out as a lowly railway frankfurter salesman, Jan is an ambitious moneymaker and also a keen observer of human behavior. Through chance meetings and self-centered manipulations he lands a series of jobs at posh hotels where he excels at servitude and lusts for the lifestyle of those he waits on.
As much a slave to his loins as he is to his wallet, young Jan has a series of romantic encounters that he approaches with the same ardor as his work.

The film takes a darker turn as Germany's takeover of Czechoslovakia begins. Jan, seemingly oblivious, takes it all in stride. He even falls for a young German teacher Liza ( a remarkable Julia Jentsch) who becomes a true-blue Nazi. This does not dampen his love for her at all, and being blonde haired and blue-eyed he is even allowed to marry her, though he is doomed to remain a Bohemian outsider.

As Liza goes off to war, Jan, in one of the film's many black humored moments, is put in charge of serving a bevy of frolicking Aryan beauties waiting to be impregnated by brave soldiers of the Third Reich. The opulent hotel he was once a waiter in is now an idyllic breeding facility for the master race.

The many adventures of Jan Dite make for enthralling viewing. How he finally becomes a millionaire and loses it all, his daliances with various ladies, and his dogged self centeredness form the bulk of this wonderful film. Jan Dite is basically a cipher through which we witness the breathtaking glamour of old Prague, the creeping rise and protracted fall of Hitler's dream, and the eventual advent of communism.

A comical, satirical, sometimes disturbing rumination on love, power, and self, "I Served The King Of England" is a personal epic of self-discovery through overwhelming events. As Old Jan states "my happiness was always in the fact that some unhappiness overtook me."

Beautifully filmed with images that will linger long in the memory, "I Served The King Of England" is that rare bit of pure cinema that transports the viewer, an immersive saga that expertly juggles its parody and paradox.

.....A BIT COLD AROUND THE HEART......

2009-05-05T17:00:00.000-07:00

Another mix CD for you wonderful people. This is volume one of a massive undertaking I've been struggling with for the last month. Gathering songs from old records, CD's, tapes, the net, etc., I'm working on an A to Z multi-volume collection of my favorite New Wave/No-Wave artists with one or two representative songs from each group. The project is called "THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN ROBOTS CRY: NEW WAVE/NO WAVE NUGGETS FOR NEURO NOURISHMENT" and this is a tentative first volume covering groups whose names begin with #'s and running through letter A. I've been fairly broad in my interpretations of what constitutes the New Wave/No Wave sound, but if it's from that general era of my youth and I listened to it while I was wearing a skinny tie, it most likely made the cut. Please let me know if you enjoy this one and want me to post future volumes. There will be some mighty obscure stuff mixed in with the familiar so hopefully even the most jaded androids among you will discover some new surprises. I also beg of you not to harass me with "hey...you left out so and so.." comments (unless you have a very convincing argument) cuz most likely I thought so and so sucked or they just didn't fit my PERSONAL criteria. Put on your parachute pants and robot walk to here.

Shake The Hippie - The 39 Cloc...

Glue Your Eyelids Together - A...

Dumbness - Art Objects

A FEW SAMPLES

HEY JACK! IS THAT A BEANSTALK IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME?

2009-05-04T22:15:00.000-07:00

Ya know some guys like a girl to be short and petite. Some guys like 'em tall and slender. Me personally I really go for a gal....................
THAT CAN STOMP THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF TOKYO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do love krayzee fetishes and one of my favorites is the weakness for giant women, crushin', killin', and destroyin'. Scouring the internet one can find many photoshopped pictures of gargantuan girlies and your favorite celebrities grown to immense proportions.(I must admit the oversized Sophia Loren straddling the ocean liner is kinda hot.) There's also fan fiction, cartoons and more! The Japanese seem to be quite fond of this particular perversion and I would love to see some of the videos posted here. With descriptions like: "The giant girl come here again! She drives out tanks and warriors, and enjoys destroying the town... Warriors, tanks, helicopter, civilians, police, hospital, houses, elevated highway, cars.... A lot of lives are lost under her huge feet!" and "Super Mrs. Has Come to Japan!!! She's gonna destroy Tokyo first!!! Everyone, get your arms and weapons and let's fight against Mrs. GTS!!! You are now meant to protect and to save the TOKYO city!!!, how could you go wrong! You can grovel till your heart's content with this giantess directory that will provide hours of abusement, I mean amusement, as you chase down links like the horrid little man you are! You're welcome. Just another public service from your humble host.

And PS. for you fellas whose fetish isn't quite so overwhelming you can find some nice pics for those who like their giantesses to be a bit more practical and down to earth!

SUNDAY NIGHT LAFFS FOR DISCREET ADULTS ONLY!

2009-05-03T14:04:00.000-07:00

To make you rotten heathens feel a bit more guilty for not going to worship the Jesus this morning, I bring you three comedy albums that had no shame, and a down and dirty R&B scorcher. First up is a raucous 2 hour collection of dear Aunt Esther herself, Lawanda Page. Culled from a few different sources...this is classic blue comedy at it's bluest, showing that Esther could probably make even old Redd Foxx blush.
Then we have three others from the orbit of the immortal Rudy Ray Moore,
including one from the great man himself. The raunchy "BACDOOR DADDY" showcases the estimable talents of Skillet and Leroy and co-stars the busy Ms. Page,also. Then it's the phenomenal Lady Reed, Dolemite's badass babe, with the ear burning "QUEEN BEE TALKS". Lust but not least we have the jivin' jewel "HULLY GULLY FEVER"
from the late lamented Moore. Moore, always a frustrated singer released this incredible album of songs with not a "dick" joke to be found. Proving that not only was he an inspiring stand-up comedian but quite the blues belter as well. Most of these originally appeared on the great Laff Records label,who groomed everyone from Pryor to Carlin and whose catalog is slowly getting re-issued. Put on your bath robe, pour ya a shot of something snappy, and let go your inhibitions for an aural assault of karnal komedy and butt-shaking boogie.Get LaWanda here. Get Skillet & Leroy (if you dare) here. Holla at Lady Reed here. Get yaself some "Hully-Gully" fever here.

HOW MUCH CLOWN TERROR CAN ONE MAN TAKE???

2009-05-02T16:58:00.000-07:00

.....Quite a lot apparently........

Why do I constantly punish myself searching for psyche-scarring clown sites??? Here I present you with Saradipaknee, a Christian clown from Tennessee. She's perky and God-fearing and she and her horrible clown ilk offer you many fine services and products including baby clown outfits and gospel message baloons. Enjoy..........

Nothing enlivens your kiddie party more than hiring a fat pedophile clown to float in your pool!!!! Honk Bingo's "special horn", kids!!!!!

Looking for some special holiday fun for the little ankle-biters??? Well..give 'em an egg hunt journey to terror they will never forget with the Easter clown!!!

And if you still doubt her "clowning credentials" check this out clown playa-hater!!!!!!!!!
She has clowned in many family restaurants including MacDonalds, Hardees, Lubys, Shoneys, Pizza Hut, Wagners Steak House, and Celebration Station.

....And be sure to check out: HICKORY'S CLOWN ALLEY where well-meaning clowns offer advice on how to quell the howls of petrified pubescents. 'Course it doesn't really help when one clown starts off his advice with..."I often bring a rope..."

IT'S A PSYCHEDELIC TANGO DOWNER CHA-CHA FREAKOUT!

2009-04-30T03:14:00.000-07:00

YIPEE! IT'S THE FIRST WEEKLY MUSICAL APOCAPOST!!! FEATURING SOME SWINGING LOUNGE FROM SENOR X, SOME MONSTER EXOTICA FROM FILTHY GERMAN HIPPIES, AND A WRIST-SLITTING KURDLED KUNTRY MIX CD BY YOURS TRULY! LET 'ER RIPPPPPPPPPP!

First up we have a real barn burner from 1963 courtesy of Mr. Charo himself, Xavier Cugat! Entitled "Cugi's Cocktails" this simmering slab throws about ten dance styles against the wall and amazingly they all stick! So if your madre always told you never to mix your hully-gullys with your cha-chas, it was probably to protect you from shaking your sweet little nalgas off! So go ahead man, live a little! I'll never tell.
Have a little taste of "Cocktails For Two", then crash the whole party here!
TRACK LISTING:
1. Cuba Libre 8. Grasshopper
2. One Mint Julep 9. Blue Champagne
3. Old-Fashioned 10. Zombie
4. Daiquiri 11. Manhattan
5. Cocktails for Two 12. Singapore Sling
6. Rum and Coca-Cola
7. Cugi's Cocktail Password: NaughtyMonkey(case sensitive)

Cocktails For Two (Cha-Cha) - ...

If you want a shiny new remaster scoot your mouse here

The second wondrous wax comes courtesy of the splendiferous blog MUTANT SOUNDS

Apparently made up of German Jazz library musicians, Vampires Of Dartmoore- "Dracula's Music Cabinet", is an unclassifiable slice of 1969 craziness. Considered "psychedelic" at the time it now sounds like some bizarro world combination of space-age pop and the latest release from some techno band du jour, using samples and trippy beats galore. Ahead of its time or just the time of its head? Oh man, you'll have to decide cuz like the words on this page just turned into spiders and crawled off the screen!
TRACK LISTING:
1. Die Folterkammer des Dr. Sex, 2. Crime and Horror, 3. Der Feuerdrachen von Hong Kong, 4. Mord im Ohio Express, 5. Tanz der Vampire, 6. Hallo, Mr. Hitchcock, 7. Der Henker von Dartmoore, 8. Ende eines Killers, 9. Die Wasserleiche, 10. Eine Hand voll Nitro, 11. Dr. Caligaris Gruselkabinett, 12. Frankenstein Grübt Alpha 7
Until its supposed reissue on the Finders Keepers label, you can grab it here, acidblasters! Password: NaughtyMonkey (case sensitive)

And finally for you darling little monkeys, a CD mix I made just for you!!! Entitled "DEAD KIDS, DRUNKARDS, DOPERS & THE DERANGED: 22 INCREDIBLE COUNTRY BUMMERS", it's the perfect soundtrack for your next suicidal drinking binge. It's a bit top heavy with Porter....but hey nobody did it better! I kinda screwed up the covers I made, but hopefully you can click on the images below to get the approximate size of a CD case. The file is in two parts, so I made back cover in two parts thinking it might wind up as a double CD. Anyway, I do hope you like it. So hold on to your barstool here comes.......

TRY SOME SAMPLES:

The Rubber Room (Single (2002 ...

Wino - Porter Wagoner

There Stands The Glass - Webb ...

GET PART ONE HERE. GET PART TWO HERE. Password: NaughtyMonkey

KID TV TRAUMAS PART 1...

2009-04-29T08:18:00.000-07:00

I vaguely remember seeing Andy's Gang when I was very small and had all but thankfully forgotten it until recently when in a haze of pot smoke a friend uttered those danger words: "Dude ya gotta see this, it is FUCKED-up!" and proceeded to inflict two very badly copied episodes on the unsuspecting room. High or not, I cannot convey the surrealism and abject horror that is Andy's Gang. It's from the late Fifties so it has that odd black and white videotaped look of live TV from that era, and was hosted by raspy voiced Andy Devine a fat and I suspect drunken character actor mainly known for being "Cookie Bullfincher" in the Roy Rogers movies and "Jingles", Wild Bill Hickock's pal. The terror comes from two things that once witnessed can never be shaken. First, a main character named Froggy who would appear out of the ether summoned by the incantation: "Pluck your magic twanger, Froggy" which is odd enough given that one isn't often encouraged to pluck their "magic twanger" in public and rarely in front of children. Ah, Froggy. Imagine Kermit with throat cancer, doing crystal-meth, and being a right sadistic bastard and you come close to the magic of Froggy. He harrangues, he insults, he plays cruel jokes, and is a four-star prick! Some editorial even blamed him for starting the seeds of the Sixties revolution with his spiteful atitude toward authority!!! Having fun yet, kiddies? No..well hows about we tie strings to the paws of Midnight the cat (a real cat) and make her dance in a funny outfit? Still not laughing? Ok then, we'll take cute little Midnight, and a real hamster, and a real squirrel, and a real chihuahua, and a real bunny,etc., tie bloodflow stopping strings to all of 'em and make 'em play little instruments in a band for your amusement! They'll have the dread filled eyes of test-lab monkeys, but you'll be guffawing up a storm, right? RIGHT? There, in a nutshell, you have Andy's Gang. A nightmare train to merriment for the whole family! Whew! Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Here's a horrible sample...........WARNING animal trauma ahead...

WOULD YOU BUY A HOUSE FROM THIS MAN?

2009-04-29T07:47:00.000-07:00

REALTORS IN HELL!!!!

BillyBoy here claims to have gone to hell and he's gonna tell ya all about it and maybe get ya a good finance rate on that old Victorian on the edge of town while he's at it! This one is an endurance test folks! Not quite as exciting as the actual sounds of hell that you can hear in this stale chesnut......

...but vaguely amusing nonetheless. Fast forward to the cheeseball video at the end...it almost makes the previous hours drivel worth it!

Bill Wiese 23 Minutes in Hell (Original) @ Yahoo! Video

PROUDLY PRESENTING PRIMATE OF THE MONTH FOR APRIL: J. FRED MUGGS!!

2009-04-27T16:09:00.000-07:00

Long before the bloated "infotainment" masquerading as serious journalism, or the snake-oil slickness of Matt Lauer, there existed a Today Show of a somewhat less self-important stripe. More of a soothing wake-up call than a glossy spew of news and celebrity horseshit for the masses that it is now, the Today Show of the Fifties was a languid affair hosted by amiable ubermensch Dave Garroway. Folksy and inviting he assured Mr. and Mrs. America that there were no ills or sagging ratings that a chimpanzee in a funny outfit couldn't cure, and thus in 1953 the simian soothsayer known as J. Fred Muggs was unleashed as co-host. Muggs would sometimes appear with his live-in girlfriend Phoebe B Beebe. Muggs was the first celebrity featured on the cover of MAD magazine,represented by an original oil painting he did with his own grubby fingers, but he was not invited back after biting comedienne and future Polident spokesperson, Martha Raye. Legend has it that Today Host Garroway, jealous of the attention being heaped upon his simian co-host, would spike his OJ with drugs! Freddy was replaced with the younger brainwashed cutie- Koko, Jr.
A historical Florida website sums up Monsieur Muggs career quite nicely....
The world's most famous chimpanzee (even more famous than Tarzan's sidekick "Cheetah"), a long time resident of the Citrus Park area in northwest Hillsborough County, was featured on the NBC network morning program, The Today Show, from1953-57.

J. Fred Muggs was the first animal star (as a feature spot) on "live" television. Beginning February 2, 1953, this chimpanzee in diapers shared the morning news spotlight with reporter/commentator Dave Garroway. The simian was socko for the ratings, attracting the much needed advertisers to make the morning program a success. His talents included doing a mean Popeye impression and playing piano with Steve Allen.

J. Fred Muggs was originally discovered by a staff member of THE TODAY SHOW while his owners, Buddy Mennella & Roy Waldron (former NBC Pages) were visiting a friend at NBC Studios in New York City. They had procured Mr. Muggs from the Henry Trefflich's Chimp Room in New York City for the cost of $600. At the time the chimp was 13 weeks old and weighed 3 and 1/2 pounds but eventually over the years weighed out at 175 pounds.

The strategy behind using the chimp was to attract younger viewers who in turn would alert their parents (the real target of the advertisers) to the new celebrity. Also seen on the program was Phoebe B. Beebee, J. Fred Mugg's female chimpanzee companion. After biting comedian/actress Martha Raye on the elbow during an April 1954 program, Mr. Muggs was sent on a worldwide promotional tour.

During his travels he attracted the attention of the Russian newspaper Izvestia which described J. Fred Muggs as "A symbol of the American way of life...Muggs is necessary in order that the average American should not look into reports on rising taxes, and decreasing pay, but rather laugh at the funny mug of a chimpanzee."

His tour had bypassed England because the British government didn't want America's most likable chimp in their empire. Their sensibilities had been hurt when live shots of Fred's antics were seen during Queen Elizabeth's coronation in 1953.
J. Fred Muggs returned to America and eventually was removed from The Today Show and replaced by a more docile, Kokomo, Jr. J. Fred Muggs later starred in his own short-lived show called The J. Fred Muggs Show, which aired out of New Jersey. In 1975 Mr. Muggs appeared on ABC's Good Morning America program for a 23rd birthday celebration.

The chimp worked a show for five years at Busch Gardens in the late sixties and early seventies and settled in Tampa for retirement when the gig was over. Mennella and J. Fred Muggs were about as close as a man and an animal could get. Mugg's trainer died in Tampa in 2002 but J. Fred still lives comfortably with guardians in his Citrus Park home of more than 30 years and often sees famous friends such as Liza Minelli and Today Show personalities.

AND NOW...J. FRED MUGGS: PORTRAIT OF A MADMAN....ER...MADMONKEY!

I recently had the good fortune of meeting a fine gentleman who was an editor for the Today Show for 38 years and vividly remembers Muggs. He offered me these valuable tidbits. Not the lovable cohort history would lead you to believe, Freddy was all ape! Given to temper tantrums and violent outbursts, Muggs destroyed the sets at every oppurtunity and made Garroway's life a living hell, ripping up papers and tossing microphones with glee. He hated the cutesy outfits and would rip them off at the drop of a hat and then piss on them much to the horror of his costumers. He was a bitey little angel and much of the crew sported scars from his abuse. A young Barbara Walters despised him, and refered to him as "that little motherfucker"!!!! The feeling was mutual apparently as JFM flung poo at her on more than one occassion!!! America's favorite cheeky chimp was in reality the Mickey Rourke of monkeys!! So raise a banana to J. Fred Muggs, an apeshit anarchist lashing out at Fifties complacency and bad fashion! A hirsute hedonist that pleasured himself at will!
A role model for us all in these troubled times! Here's to you Muggsy...you put the "ape" back in homosapien!!! Fuck 'em all, Freddy! You'll dance on their graves!

THE CANDYMAN CAN...WHAT???

2009-04-27T06:12:00.000-07:00

In the OMFG department today we have an extremely disturbing tidbit from "THE OTHER HOLLYWOOD: THE UNCENSORED ORAL HISTORY OF THE PORN FILM INDUSTRY". It seems that the Candyman himself, Sammy Davis, Jr., when not hanging out at the Church O Satan enjoyed romping with the stars de porn. According to Linda Lovelace, "old one eye" was fascinated by her way of handling the original "old one eye" in a gentleman's trousers. On one particular sleazy get together dear little Sam, while watching a porno with Lindy and her douchebag husband, practically begged her to teach him to "deep throat". Why? God and maybe Frank Sinatra only knows. Anyhoo, our dear Saint of the no gag-reflex proceeded to show him on her hubby who was rather startled to discover the diminutive rat packer gnawing on his cheese log! Apparently Sammy was a quick study and Mr. Lovelace ahem, just went with it, making the charming scuzball soiree a total success! Oh those were the days.

For further evidence of Sam's ability to deal with a "rod", I present the following shocking evidence caught on film.....

This wonderful heart-warming tome can be purchased here

COOL NEW FRIENDS ON MYSPACE....TRY SIZZLIN'!!!

2009-04-27T00:02:00.000-07:00

This is my first test post on this wonderful new blog.....something I posted on Myspace a while back when I was feeling superior to the idiots that frequent those sort of places....

Another Public Service from your humble Test Chimp 48.....Scintillating Singles on Myspace! Trawl this lust-bait with caution...muy caliente!!!!!

Andy is quite the package, ladies!! And cool? You bet!! Just look at those shades! It's always bright and shiny in Andy World!!!

"Procrastinate now, don't put it off!" quips Andy in his quote. This carnal comedian will tickle more than your ribs with his "routine" under the sheets! This laff-riot lover aims for your funnybone and yet you may find he hits your heart instead!

This is Bonnie! Bonnie's quotalicious quote: "I'D KILL MYSELF TO LOVE YOU. IF I LOVED MYSELF I'D KILL YOU"

What can we gather from this photo, fellas??? Well... she drinks alot of soda and she uses envelopes!!! What a gal!! That lingerie and those bedroom peepers..ooh lala! And that obsessive psycho quote? Let me at 'er!! Come hither sez Bonnie for some lovin' you'll never forget you fuckingmotherfucker I'll stab your eyes out!

Another one for the ladies (or men, wink wink)...This is Jason!! Jason's quote: I am busy as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest!"
But not always so busy that he can't be just "chillin" as he wittily labels this photo!

Hold on to your panties, gals.....he's S-I-N-G-L-E!!! This delectable do-bee owns his own bar and is an ultimate fighter!! And don't worry you "sensitive" types, this pugnacious pug nose has a soft side, too. Give him a baby and a piano and he will tune the baby and nurse the piano..just kidding....he looks so
comfortable around both!!!

This sultry sodbuster also likes country AND rap!!! This is one eclectic chap!! Calling all broads whither thy be brawny or brainiac!!!

Kurl up to this kutie, kowpokes!!! This is Tiffany!! Tiffany's quote: Well....Tiffany has no quote....ummm, just "Tiffany" in big sparkly letters.

One look at that saucy smile makes me want to lick the glitter graphics off her profile if you get my drift!! This "mystery woman" is a shiny Pandora's box covered in blinking Disney characters and flashing roses!! Your eyes say nein! nein! but your heart says oui! oui! Blonde and brassy is our lassie!! Did I mention she was bi?? Oh girl!! You put the "sin" in single!!! ME-OW!

More Mouth-Waterin' Myspace Muffins, soon!!!!