IT'S A PSYCHEDELIC TANGO DOWNER CHA-CHA FREAKOUT!

YIPEE! IT'S THE FIRST WEEKLY MUSICAL APOCAPOST!!! FEATURING SOME SWINGING LOUNGE FROM SENOR X, SOME MONSTER EXOTICA FROM FILTHY GERMAN HIPPIES, AND A WRIST-SLITTING KURDLED KUNTRY MIX CD BY YOURS TRULY! LET 'ER RIPPPPPPPPPP!

First up we have a real barn burner from 1963 courtesy of Mr. Charo himself, Xavier Cugat! Entitled "Cugi's Cocktails" this simmering slab throws about ten dance styles against the wall and amazingly they all stick! So if your madre always told you never to mix your hully-gullys with your cha-chas, it was probably to protect you from shaking your sweet little nalgas off! So go ahead man, live a little! I'll never tell.
Have a little taste of "Cocktails For Two", then crash the whole party here!
TRACK LISTING:
1. Cuba Libre 8. Grasshopper
2. One Mint Julep 9. Blue Champagne
3. Old-Fashioned 10. Zombie
4. Daiquiri 11. Manhattan
5. Cocktails for Two 12. Singapore Sling
6. Rum and Coca-Cola
7. Cugi's Cocktail Password: NaughtyMonkey(case sensitive)

Cocktails For Two (Cha-Cha) - ...

If you want a shiny new remaster scoot your mouse here

The second wondrous wax comes courtesy of the splendiferous blog MUTANT SOUNDS

Apparently made up of German Jazz library musicians, Vampires Of Dartmoore- "Dracula's Music Cabinet", is an unclassifiable slice of 1969 craziness. Considered "psychedelic" at the time it now sounds like some bizarro world combination of space-age pop and the latest release from some techno band du jour, using samples and trippy beats galore. Ahead of its time or just the time of its head? Oh man, you'll have to decide cuz like the words on this page just turned into spiders and crawled off the screen!
TRACK LISTING:
1. Die Folterkammer des Dr. Sex, 2. Crime and Horror, 3. Der Feuerdrachen von Hong Kong, 4. Mord im Ohio Express, 5. Tanz der Vampire, 6. Hallo, Mr. Hitchcock, 7. Der Henker von Dartmoore, 8. Ende eines Killers, 9. Die Wasserleiche, 10. Eine Hand voll Nitro, 11. Dr. Caligaris Gruselkabinett, 12. Frankenstein Grübt Alpha 7
Until its supposed reissue on the Finders Keepers label, you can grab it here, acidblasters! Password: NaughtyMonkey (case sensitive)


And finally for you darling little monkeys, a CD mix I made just for you!!! Entitled "DEAD KIDS, DRUNKARDS, DOPERS & THE DERANGED: 22 INCREDIBLE COUNTRY BUMMERS", it's the perfect soundtrack for your next suicidal drinking binge. It's a bit top heavy with Porter....but hey nobody did it better! I kinda screwed up the covers I made, but hopefully you can click on the images below to get the approximate size of a CD case. The file is in two parts, so I made back cover in two parts thinking it might wind up as a double CD. Anyway, I do hope you like it. So hold on to your barstool here comes.......

TRY SOME SAMPLES:

The Rubber Room (Single (2002 ...

Wino - Porter Wagoner

There Stands The Glass - Webb ...

GET PART ONE HERE. GET PART TWO HERE. Password: NaughtyMonkey

KID TV TRAUMAS PART 1...

I vaguely remember seeing Andy's Gang when I was very small and had all but thankfully forgotten it until recently when in a haze of pot smoke a friend uttered those danger words: "Dude ya gotta see this, it is FUCKED-up!" and proceeded to inflict two very badly copied episodes on the unsuspecting room. High or not, I cannot convey the surrealism and abject horror that is Andy's Gang. It's from the late Fifties so it has that odd black and white videotaped look of live TV from that era, and was hosted by raspy voiced Andy Devine a fat and I suspect drunken character actor mainly known for being "Cookie Bullfincher" in the Roy Rogers movies and "Jingles", Wild Bill Hickock's pal. The terror comes from two things that once witnessed can never be shaken. First, a main character named Froggy who would appear out of the ether summoned by the incantation: "Pluck your magic twanger, Froggy" which is odd enough given that one isn't often encouraged to pluck their "magic twanger" in public and rarely in front of children. Ah, Froggy. Imagine Kermit with throat cancer, doing crystal-meth, and being a right sadistic bastard and you come close to the magic of Froggy. He harrangues, he insults, he plays cruel jokes, and is a four-star prick! Some editorial even blamed him for starting the seeds of the Sixties revolution with his spiteful atitude toward authority!!! Having fun yet, kiddies? No..well hows about we tie strings to the paws of Midnight the cat (a real cat) and make her dance in a funny outfit? Still not laughing? Ok then, we'll take cute little Midnight, and a real hamster, and a real squirrel, and a real chihuahua, and a real bunny,etc., tie bloodflow stopping strings to all of 'em and make 'em play little instruments in a band for your amusement! They'll have the dread filled eyes of test-lab monkeys, but you'll be guffawing up a storm, right? RIGHT? There, in a nutshell, you have Andy's Gang. A nightmare train to merriment for the whole family! Whew! Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Here's a horrible sample...........WARNING animal trauma ahead...

WOULD YOU BUY A HOUSE FROM THIS MAN?

REALTORS IN HELL!!!!


BillyBoy here claims to have gone to hell and he's gonna tell ya all about it and maybe get ya a good finance rate on that old Victorian on the edge of town while he's at it! This one is an endurance test folks! Not quite as exciting as the actual sounds of hell that you can hear in this stale chesnut......


...but vaguely amusing nonetheless. Fast forward to the cheeseball video at the end...it almost makes the previous hours drivel worth it!

Bill Wiese 23 Minutes in Hell (Original) @ Yahoo! Video

PROUDLY PRESENTING PRIMATE OF THE MONTH FOR APRIL: J. FRED MUGGS!!

Long before the bloated "infotainment" masquerading as serious journalism, or the snake-oil slickness of Matt Lauer, there existed a Today Show of a somewhat less self-important stripe. More of a soothing wake-up call than a glossy spew of news and celebrity horseshit for the masses that it is now, the Today Show of the Fifties was a languid affair hosted by amiable ubermensch Dave Garroway. Folksy and inviting he assured Mr. and Mrs. America that there were no ills or sagging ratings that a chimpanzee in a funny outfit couldn't cure, and thus in 1953 the simian soothsayer known as J. Fred Muggs was unleashed as co-host. Muggs would sometimes appear with his live-in girlfriend Phoebe B Beebe. Muggs was the first celebrity featured on the cover of MAD magazine,represented by an original oil painting he did with his own grubby fingers, but he was not invited back after biting comedienne and future Polident spokesperson, Martha Raye. Legend has it that Today Host Garroway, jealous of the attention being heaped upon his simian co-host, would spike his OJ with drugs! Freddy was replaced with the younger brainwashed cutie- Koko, Jr.
A historical Florida website sums up Monsieur Muggs career quite nicely....
The world's most famous chimpanzee (even more famous than Tarzan's sidekick "Cheetah"), a long time resident of the Citrus Park area in northwest Hillsborough County, was featured on the NBC network morning program, The Today Show, from1953-57.

J. Fred Muggs was the first animal star (as a feature spot) on "live" television. Beginning February 2, 1953, this chimpanzee in diapers shared the morning news spotlight with reporter/commentator Dave Garroway. The simian was socko for the ratings, attracting the much needed advertisers to make the morning program a success. His talents included doing a mean Popeye impression and playing piano with Steve Allen.

J. Fred Muggs was originally discovered by a staff member of THE TODAY SHOW while his owners, Buddy Mennella & Roy Waldron (former NBC Pages) were visiting a friend at NBC Studios in New York City. They had procured Mr. Muggs from the Henry Trefflich's Chimp Room in New York City for the cost of $600. At the time the chimp was 13 weeks old and weighed 3 and 1/2 pounds but eventually over the years weighed out at 175 pounds.

The strategy behind using the chimp was to attract younger viewers who in turn would alert their parents (the real target of the advertisers) to the new celebrity. Also seen on the program was Phoebe B. Beebee, J. Fred Mugg's female chimpanzee companion. After biting comedian/actress Martha Raye on the elbow during an April 1954 program, Mr. Muggs was sent on a worldwide promotional tour.

During his travels he attracted the attention of the Russian newspaper Izvestia which described J. Fred Muggs as "A symbol of the American way of life...Muggs is necessary in order that the average American should not look into reports on rising taxes, and decreasing pay, but rather laugh at the funny mug of a chimpanzee."

His tour had bypassed England because the British government didn't want America's most likable chimp in their empire. Their sensibilities had been hurt when live shots of Fred's antics were seen during Queen Elizabeth's coronation in 1953.
J. Fred Muggs returned to America and eventually was removed from The Today Show and replaced by a more docile, Kokomo, Jr. J. Fred Muggs later starred in his own short-lived show called The J. Fred Muggs Show, which aired out of New Jersey. In 1975 Mr. Muggs appeared on ABC's Good Morning America program for a 23rd birthday celebration.

The chimp worked a show for five years at Busch Gardens in the late sixties and early seventies and settled in Tampa for retirement when the gig was over. Mennella and J. Fred Muggs were about as close as a man and an animal could get. Mugg's trainer died in Tampa in 2002 but J. Fred still lives comfortably with guardians in his Citrus Park home of more than 30 years and often sees famous friends such as Liza Minelli and Today Show personalities.

AND NOW...J. FRED MUGGS: PORTRAIT OF A MADMAN....ER...MADMONKEY!

I recently had the good fortune of meeting a fine gentleman who was an editor for the Today Show for 38 years and vividly remembers Muggs. He offered me these valuable tidbits. Not the lovable cohort history would lead you to believe, Freddy was all ape! Given to temper tantrums and violent outbursts, Muggs destroyed the sets at every oppurtunity and made Garroway's life a living hell, ripping up papers and tossing microphones with glee. He hated the cutesy outfits and would rip them off at the drop of a hat and then piss on them much to the horror of his costumers. He was a bitey little angel and much of the crew sported scars from his abuse. A young Barbara Walters despised him, and refered to him as "that little motherfucker"!!!! The feeling was mutual apparently as JFM flung poo at her on more than one occassion!!! America's favorite cheeky chimp was in reality the Mickey Rourke of monkeys!! So raise a banana to J. Fred Muggs, an apeshit anarchist lashing out at Fifties complacency and bad fashion! A hirsute hedonist that pleasured himself at will!
A role model for us all in these troubled times! Here's to you Muggsy...you put the "ape" back in homosapien!!! Fuck 'em all, Freddy! You'll dance on their graves!

THE CANDYMAN CAN...WHAT???

In the OMFG department today we have an extremely disturbing tidbit from "THE OTHER HOLLYWOOD: THE UNCENSORED ORAL HISTORY OF THE PORN FILM INDUSTRY". It seems that the Candyman himself, Sammy Davis, Jr., when not hanging out at the Church O Satan enjoyed romping with the stars de porn. According to Linda Lovelace, "old one eye" was fascinated by her way of handling the original "old one eye" in a gentleman's trousers. On one particular sleazy get together dear little Sam, while watching a porno with Lindy and her douchebag husband, practically begged her to teach him to "deep throat". Why? God and maybe Frank Sinatra only knows. Anyhoo, our dear Saint of the no gag-reflex proceeded to show him on her hubby who was rather startled to discover the diminutive rat packer gnawing on his cheese log! Apparently Sammy was a quick study and Mr. Lovelace ahem, just went with it, making the charming scuzball soiree a total success! Oh those were the days.


For further evidence of Sam's ability to deal with a "rod", I present the following shocking evidence caught on film.....



This wonderful heart-warming tome can be purchased here

COOL NEW FRIENDS ON MYSPACE....TRY SIZZLIN'!!!

This is my first test post on this wonderful new blog.....something I posted on Myspace a while back when I was feeling superior to the idiots that frequent those sort of places....

Another Public Service from your humble Test Chimp 48.....Scintillating Singles on Myspace! Trawl this lust-bait with caution...muy caliente!!!!!


Andy is quite the package, ladies!! And cool? You bet!! Just look at those shades! It's always bright and shiny in Andy World!!!

"Procrastinate now, don't put it off!" quips Andy in his quote. This carnal comedian will tickle more than your ribs with his "routine" under the sheets! This laff-riot lover aims for your funnybone and yet you may find he hits your heart instead!



This is Bonnie! Bonnie's quotalicious quote: "I'D KILL MYSELF TO LOVE YOU. IF I LOVED MYSELF I'D KILL YOU"

What can we gather from this photo, fellas??? Well... she drinks alot of soda and she uses envelopes!!! What a gal!! That lingerie and those bedroom peepers..ooh lala! And that obsessive psycho quote? Let me at 'er!! Come hither sez Bonnie for some lovin' you'll never forget you fuckingmotherfucker I'll stab your eyes out!



Another one for the ladies (or men, wink wink)...This is Jason!! Jason's quote: I am busy as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest!"
But not always so busy that he can't be just "chillin" as he wittily labels this photo!

Hold on to your panties, gals.....he's S-I-N-G-L-E!!! This delectable do-bee owns his own bar and is an ultimate fighter!! And don't worry you "sensitive" types, this pugnacious pug nose has a soft side, too. Give him a baby and a piano and he will tune the baby and nurse the piano..just kidding....he looks so
comfortable around both!!!

This sultry sodbuster also likes country AND rap!!! This is one eclectic chap!! Calling all broads whither thy be brawny or brainiac!!!



Kurl up to this kutie, kowpokes!!! This is Tiffany!! Tiffany's quote: Well....Tiffany has no quote....ummm, just "Tiffany" in big sparkly letters.

One look at that saucy smile makes me want to lick the glitter graphics off her profile if you get my drift!! This "mystery woman" is a shiny Pandora's box covered in blinking Disney characters and flashing roses!! Your eyes say nein! nein! but your heart says oui! oui! Blonde and brassy is our lassie!! Did I mention she was bi?? Oh girl!! You put the "sin" in single!!! ME-OW!

More Mouth-Waterin' Myspace Muffins, soon!!!!