A CACOPHONY OF CELEBRITY CROONIN'

Why oh why do movie stars and other celebrities insist on punishing us with their vocal strainings from time to time? Is it the fault of their managers or publicists, or do they genuinely think they can sing?? Who knows? But as long as they keep doing it I'll keep cherishing it. By the way I love how most of these albums are usually entitled "so and so sings!" just so you'll know that's what the awful racket you're hearing is! Here I bring you three dour examples that will make you want to plunge icepicks into your eardrums. Lock up your dog and let the howling commence.....

First up we have Mother Goddamn herself, Bette Davis, with the ill-advised "MISS BETTE DAVIS" from 1976. Bette is not the worst of the lot, and in context of the movie WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE?, "I'm Writing A Letter To Daddy" is still one creep-out of a tune as warbled by Ms. D., but overall the album is just plain wrong. Most of it sounds like me trying to do karaoke after two packs of unfiltered Camels and ten shots of cheap whiskey. Also included are four remixes of the song "Baby Jane" by the group Lunchbox.
TRACK LISTING:
1 Overture/They're Either Too Young or Too Old
2 Life Is a Lonely Thing
3 Until It's Time for You to Go
4 Growing Older, Feeling Younger
5 It Can't Be Wrong
6 I've Written a Letter to Daddy
7 Loneliness
8 Mother of the Bride
9 Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte
10 As Margo Channing (Dialogue From the Car Scene)
11 I Wish You Love




Secondly we have the endurance test "GOLDIE" from actress Goldie Hawn. Someone who now resides in a special room of Hell thought it would be a good idea for the "sock it to me" vixen to record a Country?!? album in 1972. Backed by sloppy orchestral arrangements and guests like Porter and Dolly and Buck Owens, city gal Goldie peels wallpaper with her girlish soprano and even Mon Dieu! butchers the song "Butterfly" showing off her French skills. Truly a botched mission on all accounts.
TRACK LISTING:
1 My Blue Tears
2 Wynken, Blynken and Nood
3 Butterfly
4 Uncle Pen
5 House Song
6 I'll Be Your Baby Tonight
7 Carey
8 Cloudy Summer Afternoon
9 Ring Bell
10 I Wanna Roo You
11 Pasadena




Finally we have the rare bird, "I'LL SING FOR YOU" by Zebedy Colt released in 1970. Recorded with the London Philharmonic, this is a surprisingly GOOD record. Colt had a gentle, resounding voice and a relaxed style that lends itself well to these standards. The thing that makes this queer (no pun intended) is the man behind the record. Edward Earle Marsh aka Zebedy was a flamboyant homosexual and gay cabaret singer of some note. He also had some meaty roles on Broadway and composed film music including scores for classics like "THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH". Colt also happened to be an infamous porn actor, producer, director! This crazy dichotomy is just a hint of the fascinating character that was Zebedy Colt. Check out some of his notorious porn efforts for a real eye-opening experience. As an actor he often played seriously deranged characters who loved to humiliate the female depositories of his ahem, method. His directorial efforts were even more surreal starting with the disturbing "THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER" wherein a group of criminals have their way with the titular characters. Most notably it starred everyone's favorite suicidal satirist Spalding Gray! who doesn't hesitate to join in on the misogynistic XXX proceedings! Thus listening to Colt's dulcet tones on this record is kinda disturbing given his other endeavours.
TRACK LISTING:
1 The Man I Love
2 I'm In Love With A Wonderful Guy
3 Bill
4 A Sleepin' Bee
5 Michael*
6 Love For Sale
7 Bewitched
8 A New Year, A New Love*
9 Lush Life
10 The Day To Say Goodbye*
11 Somewhere


I hope you'll enjoy these pickled platters o punishing pulchritude! Grab Bette here. Sing along with Goldie here. And flame with Zebedy here.

SUNDAY NIGHT MEANS SCARED STRAIGHT!!

For the unfortunate few of you trawlers that haven't seen the disturbing and hilarious PSA from 1970, "THE TRIP BACK", I bring it to you in all it's terrifying glory. Speaking at a New York high school, Florrie Fisher, a middle aged ex-druggie, rants and raves and generally harangues the trapped students with dire warnings of what fates will befall them once they do drugs. Chain smoking! while she tells them not to punish their young bodies, she comes off as a self-centered, self serving wrongheaded twit. With a raspy voice she refers to the "Negro" girls in the audience and answers questions with jaw-dropping responses. My favorite moment is when one poor girl dares to question her contention that marijuana leads to harder drugs to which old Florrie growls...that sure she knew people that never did other drugs after smoking weed..only because they didn't get a chance cuz they died in the electric chair for committing crimes of passion while on the reefer!!! This whole scare tactic sham is tempered further by the fact that one year after this speech Florrie was back to her old ways, getting arrested in Miami on drug charges and other things, then seemingly dropping off the face of the earth. Her legacy lives on in Strangers With Candy, however, as Amy Sedaris modeled her character,Jerri Blank, on Florrie. So without further ado, I bring you "THE TRIP BACK" to have for your very own. Grab a pack of smokes and get it here. You'll thank me in the morning.

HEY BABY HOWS ABOUT A NORWEGIAN SPACE AGE LOUNGE QUICKIE IN DREAMSVILLE?

A fast one for you before beddie-bye! A rare little lounge ditty from 1957 courtesy of Norwegian vocal stylists- THE MONN KEYS! Oh so smooth and swinging the perfect platter to lull you into DREAMSVILLE. Enjoy and Good Night, Dreamboats! Float on over to here
TRACK LISTING:
A1 Dreamsville 2:50
A2 Like Young 2:55
A3 The Song is You 3:05
A4 Bye Bye Blackbird 1:51
A5 The Bad and the Beautiful 3:42
B1 Misty 2:34
B2 Soothe Me 3:06
B3 Too Close for Comfort 2:34
B4 Senor Blues 2:20
B5 Day Dream 3:42

A BLANK CZECH: A REVIEW OF I SERVED THE KING OF ENGLAND

Taking a break from the usual monkeyshines around here, I hope to give you some reviews of some of my favorite films that may have escaped your attention. First up is I SERVED THE KING OF ENGLAND, a wonderful 2006 Czech film recently out on DVD. The review was written by some disgruntled schmuck recently laid off as a freelancer for a major city newspaper...hmmm..I wonder who? Tell me I can't republish my own writing, will ya? Well, take this you money grubbing "make it in a more USA Today like style" corporate bitches!!!

"I Served The King Of England" is at once a semi-fantastical encapsulation of Czech history and a Chaplinesque fable of a hapless anti-hero swept along by fate and selfishly adapting to the whims of the powerful and wealthy.

Directed and written by Jiri' Menzel ("Closely Watched Trains", "My Sweet Little Village"), who will soon approach his fiftieth year as a film maker, and based on a book by famous Czech novelist Bohumil Hrabal, "I Served The King Of England" is an award winning minor masterpiece that harkens back to some of the true foreign classics of Seventies European and East-European cinema. Reminiscent of Wertmuller's Seven Beauties, it's at turns comedic and bittersweet in its portrayal of war, romance, and a life about survival.

The film begins with an older Jan Dite (Oldrich Kaiser) being released from a fifteen year stint in prison. As he settles in an abandoned German pub in the wilderness of the Czech Republic, Jan Dite begins to narrate his life and the film becomes a series of riveting flashbacks.

Young Jan (a deftly funny Ivan Barnev) is obsessed with being a millionaire. Starting out as a lowly railway frankfurter salesman, Jan is an ambitious moneymaker and also a keen observer of human behavior. Through chance meetings and self-centered manipulations he lands a series of jobs at posh hotels where he excels at servitude and lusts for the lifestyle of those he waits on.
As much a slave to his loins as he is to his wallet, young Jan has a series of romantic encounters that he approaches with the same ardor as his work.

The film takes a darker turn as Germany's takeover of Czechoslovakia begins. Jan, seemingly oblivious, takes it all in stride. He even falls for a young German teacher Liza ( a remarkable Julia Jentsch) who becomes a true-blue Nazi. This does not dampen his love for her at all, and being blonde haired and blue-eyed he is even allowed to marry her, though he is doomed to remain a Bohemian outsider.

As Liza goes off to war, Jan, in one of the film's many black humored moments, is put in charge of serving a bevy of frolicking Aryan beauties waiting to be impregnated by brave soldiers of the Third Reich. The opulent hotel he was once a waiter in is now an idyllic breeding facility for the master race.

The many adventures of Jan Dite make for enthralling viewing. How he finally becomes a millionaire and loses it all, his daliances with various ladies, and his dogged self centeredness form the bulk of this wonderful film. Jan Dite is basically a cipher through which we witness the breathtaking glamour of old Prague, the creeping rise and protracted fall of Hitler's dream, and the eventual advent of communism.

A comical, satirical, sometimes disturbing rumination on love, power, and self, "I Served The King Of England" is a personal epic of self-discovery through overwhelming events. As Old Jan states "my happiness was always in the fact that some unhappiness overtook me."

Beautifully filmed with images that will linger long in the memory, "I Served The King Of England" is that rare bit of pure cinema that transports the viewer, an immersive saga that expertly juggles its parody and paradox.

.....A BIT COLD AROUND THE HEART......

Another mix CD for you wonderful people. This is volume one of a massive undertaking I've been struggling with for the last month. Gathering songs from old records, CD's, tapes, the net, etc., I'm working on an A to Z multi-volume collection of my favorite New Wave/No-Wave artists with one or two representative songs from each group. The project is called "THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN ROBOTS CRY: NEW WAVE/NO WAVE NUGGETS FOR NEURO NOURISHMENT" and this is a tentative first volume covering groups whose names begin with #'s and running through letter A. I've been fairly broad in my interpretations of what constitutes the New Wave/No Wave sound, but if it's from that general era of my youth and I listened to it while I was wearing a skinny tie, it most likely made the cut. Please let me know if you enjoy this one and want me to post future volumes. There will be some mighty obscure stuff mixed in with the familiar so hopefully even the most jaded androids among you will discover some new surprises. I also beg of you not to harass me with "hey...you left out so and so.." comments (unless you have a very convincing argument) cuz most likely I thought so and so sucked or they just didn't fit my PERSONAL criteria. Put on your parachute pants and robot walk to here.

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HEY JACK! IS THAT A BEANSTALK IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME?

Ya know some guys like a girl to be short and petite. Some guys like 'em tall and slender. Me personally I really go for a gal....................
THAT CAN STOMP THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF TOKYO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do love krayzee fetishes and one of my favorites is the weakness for giant women, crushin', killin', and destroyin'. Scouring the internet one can find many photoshopped pictures of gargantuan girlies and your favorite celebrities grown to immense proportions.(I must admit the oversized Sophia Loren straddling the ocean liner is kinda hot.) There's also fan fiction, cartoons and more! The Japanese seem to be quite fond of this particular perversion and I would love to see some of the videos posted here. With descriptions like: "The giant girl come here again! She drives out tanks and warriors, and enjoys destroying the town... Warriors, tanks, helicopter, civilians, police, hospital, houses, elevated highway, cars.... A lot of lives are lost under her huge feet!" and "Super Mrs. Has Come to Japan!!! She's gonna destroy Tokyo first!!! Everyone, get your arms and weapons and let's fight against Mrs. GTS!!! You are now meant to protect and to save the TOKYO city!!!, how could you go wrong! You can grovel till your heart's content with this giantess directory that will provide hours of abusement, I mean amusement, as you chase down links like the horrid little man you are! You're welcome. Just another public service from your humble host.




And PS. for you fellas whose fetish isn't quite so overwhelming you can find some nice pics for those who like their giantesses to be a bit more practical and down to earth!

SUNDAY NIGHT LAFFS FOR DISCREET ADULTS ONLY!

To make you rotten heathens feel a bit more guilty for not going to worship the Jesus this morning, I bring you three comedy albums that had no shame, and a down and dirty R&B scorcher. First up is a raucous 2 hour collection of dear Aunt Esther herself, Lawanda Page. Culled from a few different sources...this is classic blue comedy at it's bluest, showing that Esther could probably make even old Redd Foxx blush.
Then we have three others from the orbit of the immortal Rudy Ray Moore,
including one from the great man himself. The raunchy "BACDOOR DADDY" showcases the estimable talents of Skillet and Leroy and co-stars the busy Ms. Page,also. Then it's the phenomenal Lady Reed, Dolemite's badass babe, with the ear burning "QUEEN BEE TALKS". Lust but not least we have the jivin' jewel "HULLY GULLY FEVER"
from the late lamented Moore. Moore, always a frustrated singer released this incredible album of songs with not a "dick" joke to be found. Proving that not only was he an inspiring stand-up comedian but quite the blues belter as well. Most of these originally appeared on the great Laff Records label,who groomed everyone from Pryor to Carlin and whose catalog is slowly getting re-issued. Put on your bath robe, pour ya a shot of something snappy, and let go your inhibitions for an aural assault of karnal komedy and butt-shaking boogie.Get LaWanda here. Get Skillet & Leroy (if you dare) here. Holla at Lady Reed here. Get yaself some "Hully-Gully" fever here.

HOW MUCH CLOWN TERROR CAN ONE MAN TAKE???

.....Quite a lot apparently........



Why do I constantly punish myself searching for psyche-scarring clown sites??? Here I present you with Saradipaknee, a Christian clown from Tennessee. She's perky and God-fearing and she and her horrible clown ilk offer you many fine services and products including baby clown outfits and gospel message baloons. Enjoy..........

Nothing enlivens your kiddie party more than hiring a fat pedophile clown to float in your pool!!!! Honk Bingo's "special horn", kids!!!!!

Looking for some special holiday fun for the little ankle-biters??? Well..give 'em an egg hunt journey to terror they will never forget with the Easter clown!!!

And if you still doubt her "clowning credentials" check this out clown playa-hater!!!!!!!!!
She has clowned in many family restaurants including MacDonalds, Hardees, Lubys, Shoneys, Pizza Hut, Wagners Steak House, and Celebration Station.

....And be sure to check out: HICKORY'S CLOWN ALLEYwhere well-meaning clowns offer advice on how to quell the howls of petrified pubescents. 'Course it doesn't really help when one clown starts off his advice with..."I often bring a rope..."