A CACOPHONY OF CELEBRITY CROONIN'

Why oh why do movie stars and other celebrities insist on punishing us with their vocal strainings from time to time? Is it the fault of their managers or publicists, or do they genuinely think they can sing?? Who knows? But as long as they keep doing it I'll keep cherishing it. By the way I love how most of these albums are usually entitled "so and so sings!" just so you'll know that's what the awful racket you're hearing is! Here I bring you three dour examples that will make you want to plunge icepicks into your eardrums. Lock up your dog and let the howling commence.....

First up we have Mother Goddamn herself, Bette Davis, with the ill-advised "MISS BETTE DAVIS" from 1976. Bette is not the worst of the lot, and in context of the movie WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE?, "I'm Writing A Letter To Daddy" is still one creep-out of a tune as warbled by Ms. D., but overall the album is just plain wrong. Most of it sounds like me trying to do karaoke after two packs of unfiltered Camels and ten shots of cheap whiskey. Also included are four remixes of the song "Baby Jane" by the group Lunchbox.
TRACK LISTING:
1 Overture/They're Either Too Young or Too Old
2 Life Is a Lonely Thing
3 Until It's Time for You to Go
4 Growing Older, Feeling Younger
5 It Can't Be Wrong
6 I've Written a Letter to Daddy
7 Loneliness
8 Mother of the Bride
9 Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte
10 As Margo Channing (Dialogue From the Car Scene)
11 I Wish You Love




Secondly we have the endurance test "GOLDIE" from actress Goldie Hawn. Someone who now resides in a special room of Hell thought it would be a good idea for the "sock it to me" vixen to record a Country?!? album in 1972. Backed by sloppy orchestral arrangements and guests like Porter and Dolly and Buck Owens, city gal Goldie peels wallpaper with her girlish soprano and even Mon Dieu! butchers the song "Butterfly" showing off her French skills. Truly a botched mission on all accounts.
TRACK LISTING:
1 My Blue Tears
2 Wynken, Blynken and Nood
3 Butterfly
4 Uncle Pen
5 House Song
6 I'll Be Your Baby Tonight
7 Carey
8 Cloudy Summer Afternoon
9 Ring Bell
10 I Wanna Roo You
11 Pasadena




Finally we have the rare bird, "I'LL SING FOR YOU" by Zebedy Colt released in 1970. Recorded with the London Philharmonic, this is a surprisingly GOOD record. Colt had a gentle, resounding voice and a relaxed style that lends itself well to these standards. The thing that makes this queer (no pun intended) is the man behind the record. Edward Earle Marsh aka Zebedy was a flamboyant homosexual and gay cabaret singer of some note. He also had some meaty roles on Broadway and composed film music including scores for classics like "THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH". Colt also happened to be an infamous porn actor, producer, director! This crazy dichotomy is just a hint of the fascinating character that was Zebedy Colt. Check out some of his notorious porn efforts for a real eye-opening experience. As an actor he often played seriously deranged characters who loved to humiliate the female depositories of his ahem, method. His directorial efforts were even more surreal starting with the disturbing "THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER" wherein a group of criminals have their way with the titular characters. Most notably it starred everyone's favorite suicidal satirist Spalding Gray! who doesn't hesitate to join in on the misogynistic XXX proceedings! Thus listening to Colt's dulcet tones on this record is kinda disturbing given his other endeavours.
TRACK LISTING:
1 The Man I Love
2 I'm In Love With A Wonderful Guy
3 Bill
4 A Sleepin' Bee
5 Michael*
6 Love For Sale
7 Bewitched
8 A New Year, A New Love*
9 Lush Life
10 The Day To Say Goodbye*
11 Somewhere


I hope you'll enjoy these pickled platters o punishing pulchritude! Grab Bette here. Sing along with Goldie here. And flame with Zebedy here.